Jun 17, 2026
Last week, I wrote about something I see all the time in therapy—and something many of us do with the best intentions. When someone we care about comes to us with a problem, we immediately jump into fixing it.
We offer advice. We brainstorm solutions. We tell them what we would do.
After all, if someone we love is hurting, of course we want to help.
The problem is that sometimes people don’t need a solution right away. They need to feel heard.
So if you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Okay, if I shouldn’t jump straight into fix-it mode, what should I do instead?” here are a few simple shifts that can make a big difference.
One communication technique that reminds me of principles used in IMAGO Relationship Therapy is to mirror, validate, and empathize.
Mirroring means reflecting back what you heard.
“So I’m hearing that you’re feeling overwhelmed because the deadline got moved up?”
Validation means acknowledging that their reaction makes sense.
“Anyone would feel stressed in that situation.”
Empathy means connecting with the feeling behind the experience.
“That sounds really hard.”
Notice that none of those responses solve the problem.
That’s exactly why they’re so powerful.
They tell the other person, “I’m here. I’m listening. I’m trying to understand.”
And for many people, feeling understood is the first step toward feeling better.
Another shift that can make a huge difference is remembering that this isn’t your movie.
Have you ever watched a movie with a group of friends and discovered that everyone walked away with a completely different interpretation? One person loved it. Another thought it was depressing. Someone else thought the ending was inspiring.
Life works the same way.
Your partner, child, friend, parent, or coworker experiences the world through their own lens. Their past experiences, personality, fears, values, and beliefs all shape how they see a situation.
When someone is sharing something difficult, it’s easy to respond with:
“That’s not what they meant.”
“I think you’re overreacting.”
“You’re looking at it the wrong way.”
But listening isn’t about rewriting someone else’s story.
It’s about sitting beside them long enough to understand how the story looks from where they’re sitting.
In previous articles, I’ve written about masculine and feminine energy—not as male versus female, but as different ways we approach situations. The more masculine energy in us often wants to take action, solve problems, and move forward. The more feminine energy in us tends to slow down, connect, and seek understanding.
Both are valuable.
The challenge is knowing when each is needed.
When someone feels unheard, understanding usually needs to come before solutions.
And if you’re ever unsure what someone needs from you, there’s one simple question that can save a lot of frustration:
“What do you need right now?”
Or even:
“Do you want advice, or do you just need me to listen?”
It sounds simple, but that question can completely change a conversation.
Because wanting to help isn’t the problem.
Assuming what kind of help is needed is often where things go off track.
A lot of the time, the answer is surprisingly straightforward:
“I just need you to listen.”
And when that’s the answer, your job becomes much easier.
You don’t need the perfect words.
You don’t need a brilliant solution.
You just need to be present.
That’s what active listening really is.
It’s putting your phone down.
It’s making eye contact.
It’s allowing someone to finish their thought before jumping in.
It’s saying things like:
“I hear you.”
“Tell me more.”
“That sounds really difficult.”
And just as importantly, it’s what you don’t do.
You don’t interrupt with, “Well, actually…”
You don’t immediately turn the conversation into your own story.
You don’t take over the moment.
Because being a great listener isn’t about being the smartest, most insightful, or most helpful person in the room.
It’s about helping someone feel seen.
And that feeling can strengthen relationships in ways advice often can’t.
You don’t have to become a perfect listener overnight. Just try one small shift this week. Reflect one sentence back. Ask one clarifying question. Catch yourself before jumping into fix-it mode.
Those small moments of presence add up.
And often, they mean more than any solution you could have offered.