Nov 4, 2026
The holidays are approaching, and with them come images of families gathered around tables, friends reconnecting, and loved ones celebrating together. It’s a wonderful picture, but it isn’t everyone’s reality.
For some, the holidays bring warmth, laughter, and a sense of belonging. For others, they bring anxiety, disappointment, or the uncomfortable question of whether to spend time with someone from whom they’ve become distant.
Maybe it’s a parent you haven’t spoken to in months. A sibling whose criticism has become difficult to tolerate. A longtime friend who hurt you. Or perhaps it’s someone you love deeply but with whom you simply cannot seem to get along.
Relationships can be complicated. And sometimes, so is the decision to stay connected.
We’ve become familiar with phrases like “protect your peace,” “set boundaries,” and “cut toxic people out of your life.” There’s value in recognizing when a relationship is harming our emotional well-being. For many people, creating distance is an important and necessary step toward healing.
But I wonder whether, in our efforts to encourage people to protect themselves, we’ve sometimes made complicated relationship decisions sound simpler than they really are.
Not every disagreement is abuse. Not every uncomfortable interaction means someone is toxic. And not every relationship can—or should—be repaired.
The challenge is learning to recognize the difference.
Sometimes distance is absolutely necessary. If someone repeatedly manipulates, threatens, humiliates, or controls you, maintaining contact can come at a tremendous emotional cost. You may have spent years hoping that person would change, acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused, or finally offer the apology you’ve been waiting for.
Eventually, you may have to accept that the relationship you hoped for isn’t the relationship you’re being offered.
That realization can bring grief, even when creating distance is the healthiest choice. You may miss someone while also recognizing that being around them isn’t good for you. Those feelings aren’t contradictory. They are part of being human.
In other situations, distance develops for different reasons.
Imagine an adult daughter who avoids calling her mother because every conversation turns into unsolicited advice. The mother believes she’s being helpful, while the daughter feels criticized and controlled. Eventually, the daughter stops calling. The mother feels rejected and doesn’t understand why.
Or consider two friends who have known each other for decades. One feels she’s always the person reaching out, while the other has been overwhelmed with responsibilities and doesn’t realize how her silence is being interpreted. Neither intends to hurt the other, yet resentment grows.
These examples don’t mean that the person creating distance is wrong. Their feelings deserve to be understood. But they also raise another possibility: could the relationship benefit from a conversation rather than an ending?
In my article Perception Isn’t Reality: How Past Experiences Shape Our Relationships, I explored how two people can experience the same interaction very differently. Our histories, expectations, and emotional wounds influence how we interpret another person’s behavior.
That doesn’t mean our feelings are invalid. It means that sometimes there’s more to the story than what we initially see.
This is where curiosity can make a difference.
Instead of immediately deciding that someone doesn’t care about us, could we ask whether they understand how their behavior affects us? Instead of assuming that someone who has pulled away is being selfish, could we consider what they’ve been experiencing?
Of course, curiosity doesn’t require us to tolerate mistreatment. Nor does understanding someone’s intentions erase the impact of their behavior.
We can understand why someone behaves a certain way and still decide that their behavior is unacceptable.
That’s where boundaries become important.
A boundary isn’t necessarily a demand that someone else change. It’s a way of identifying what we are willing and able to participate in. For example, “I want to spend time with you, but if the conversation turns into criticism about my personal choices, I’m going to end the call.”
Sometimes boundaries make it possible to maintain a relationship that otherwise feels overwhelming. Perhaps shorter visits work better than spending an entire weekend together. Maybe certain subjects are best left off the table. Or perhaps a little time apart allows both people to approach the relationship with greater patience.
And sometimes, despite our best efforts, the other person isn’t willing or able to respect those boundaries. That’s important information, too.
When a relationship feels emotionally and physically safe enough, vulnerability may offer another possibility. Telling someone they’ve hurt us, acknowledging our own part in a disagreement, or asking whether things could be different can feel uncomfortable.
But meaningful connection sometimes involves taking manageable emotional risks.
That doesn’t mean repeatedly exposing ourselves to harm. Repair requires more than one person wanting things to improve. It involves listening, accountability, respect, and a willingness to make changes.
An apology may be meaningful, but consistent behavior over time is what helps rebuild trust.
We also need to recognize that forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same thing. Someone may work toward releasing resentment without inviting another person back into their life. And someone may choose to reconnect gradually without pretending the past never happened.
As Thanksgiving approaches, I think it’s worth remembering that family connections and longstanding friendships can carry both love and pain. Sharing a history doesn’t automatically create a healthy relationship, but experiencing conflict doesn’t automatically mean that a relationship has no future.
Maybe the question isn’t simply, “Should I stay or should I go?”
Perhaps it’s, “What is this relationship asking of me, what is it costing me, and what would need to change for it to become healthier?”
For some, the answer will be greater distance. For others, it may be a clearer boundary, an honest conversation, or a willingness to try again.
And for some relationships, the answer may remain uncertain for a while.
We don’t always have to make permanent decisions in the middle of temporary emotions. At the same time, we don’t have to keep giving someone opportunities to hurt us simply because we share a history.
Connection matters. So does emotional safety. And learning how to honor both may be one of the most important parts of building healthier relationships.