Everyone Is Right (From Where They’re Standing)

Picture this: A couple sits across from me in my office. She says he never listens. He says he’s always listening—she just doesn’t appreciate it. They’re both looking at me like I’m supposed to pick a side.

Here’s the thing nobody wants to hear: they’re both right.

I know that sounds like a cop-out, the kind of thing a therapist says when they don’t want to commit. But stick with me, because understanding this one idea might change how you see almost every conflict in your life.

We don’t see the world as it is. We see it through a filter—a thick, personal, totally unique filter made of our desires, our regrets, our hopes, and our fears. You and I could walk into the same room and describe completely different things because we’re literally looking through different lenses.

In couples therapy, this shows up constantly. One partner remembers a conversation as supportive; the other remembers it as dismissive. One remembers a choice as generous; the other remembers it as controlling. Same event. Opposite truths. And here’s what I’ve learned: both people are accessing real information. They’re just accessing different real information—the parts that their brain filtered in and amplified based on what they needed to see.

Why does this happen? Because your brain is trying to keep you safe. If you’ve been hurt before, your filter might highlight every potential rejection. If you’ve felt unheard, you might filter for evidence that nobody listens. If you grew up with scarcity, you might filter for signs of abandonment. These aren’t conscious choices. They’re automatic, protective, and they feel absolutely true to the person experiencing them.

The husband in my office is listening—but his wife’s filter, shaped by years of feeling invisible, picks up on the one moment he checked his phone. The wife is appreciative—but his filter, shaped by doubt, focuses on the criticism he heard instead of the compliment. They’re not lying. They’re not being difficult. They’re being human.

This is why “you’re wrong” never works in an argument. When you tell someone their perspective is wrong, you’re not just disagreeing with them—you’re telling them their filter is broken, their experience is invalid, their brain is lying to them. Most people don’t respond to that by suddenly seeing things your way. They dig in. They defend. They get louder.

But here’s what does work: curiosity about the filter itself.

Instead of “you’re wrong,” try: “I see it differently—can you tell me why you see it that way?” That’s not letting them off the hook or abandoning your own perspective. It’s acknowledging that their filter is real and legitimate, even if it’s different from yours. And here’s the magic part—when people feel genuinely heard and understood, their filters actually start to shift. Not because you convinced them, but because safety and understanding are more powerful than defensiveness.

I work with families, couples, and people navigating all kinds of relationships, and the conflicts that get resolved aren’t the ones where someone “wins.” They’re the ones where people stop trying to prove who’s right and start trying to understand why the other person sees it that way.

You don’t have to agree with someone else’s filter. You just have to respect that it’s real to them, shaped by a life you haven’t lived and fears you might not share.

Everyone is right from where they’re standing. The question isn’t who’s correct—it’s whether you’re willing to step into someone else’s shoes and see what they see.