Jul 16, 2025
Let’s talk about something that’s incredibly common but rarely talked about openly: the hope that love can change someone. Have you ever found yourself thinking, "If I just love them enough, they’ll change?" Maybe you’ve even believed that with enough patience, understanding, or effort, you could “fix” the person you’re with—especially if the relationship feels rocky or even abusive.
It’s a natural thought, and one that many of us have had at some point. After all, love feels powerful, right? It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, "If I’m more supportive, more patient, or more loving, things will get better." But here’s the hard truth: love alone isn’t enough to change someone who’s abusive.
Let me paint a picture you might recognize: You’re in a relationship where things feel like a rollercoaster. One minute, everything’s great—you’re laughing, connecting, and feeling close. The next, it’s like a switch flips, and you’re left wondering what went wrong. You start to think, "Maybe if I just do things differently—if I’m more understanding or avoid certain topics—things will stay good."
But here’s the thing: it’s not your job to manage someone else’s behavior. And yet, so many people in these situations start to blame themselves. Thoughts like, "If I hadn’t upset them, this wouldn’t have happened," or "I must be doing something wrong," can creep in. That self-blame can feel heavy, making it even harder to see the situation clearly or reach out for help.
And then there’s the part where we try to make sense of the chaos. Have you ever caught yourself looking for “signs” or relying on little superstitions to feel like you have some control? Maybe you think, "If I wear this certain color," or "If I avoid saying this one thing, everything will be okay." It’s a way of coping when things feel out of control, but it can also keep you stuck in a cycle that’s hard to break.
Denial plays a role, too. It’s easy to focus on the good moments and convince yourself that the bad ones are just a phase. You might tell yourself, "They’re really a good person deep down," or "They’re just going through a tough time." And while it’s true that everyone has struggles, it’s important to recognize when those struggles are causing harm—to you.
Then there’s the fear of leaving. The idea of walking away can feel terrifying. "What if things get worse? What if I’m alone? What if they change for someone else?" Those fears are real, and they can make it feel safer to stay in a situation that’s familiar, even if it’s painful.
But here’s what I want you to know: Recognizing these patterns is a huge step toward healing. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure this out by yourself. Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend, reaching out to a support group, or working with a therapist, there are people who can help you see the situation clearly and take steps toward a healthier, safer future.
It’s not easy to break free from these thoughts or these cycles, but it’s possible. And you deserve a relationship where love isn’t about fixing someone else—it’s about mutual respect, care, and safety.