Jul 30, 2025
You know that feeling when you cannot stop thinking about someone? Not in a cute, “They’re so nice!" way, but in a “Why did they like my Story but not text me back?" spiral? When every little thing they do feels like a secret message, and you replay conversations in your head like a movie you’ve watched 100 times?
That’s not just a crush. That’s limerence—a full-blown emotional fixation that tricks you into believing this person is The One, even if they’re barely in your life. And the worst part? It feels like love, but it’s really just your brain playing tricks on you.
Real love grows slowly. It survives bad hair days, stupid fights, and seeing someone’s real flaws. Limerence? It’s like your brain overdosed on rom-coms and decided that this person—the one who gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked—is your soulmate.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov came up with the term in the ‘70s after studying people stuck in this obsessive loop. And the wild thing? Limerence follows the same script every time. First, the obsession takes over—you notice them, and suddenly, everything reminds you of them. (Yes, it’s dramatic. No, you can’t help it.) Then, your brain rewrites reality to make them perfect. Red flags? Nah, those are just "quirks." Mixed signals? That’s mystery.
Eventually, you either snap out of it… or, in rare cases, you actually date. (Spoiler: The fantasy usually shatters fast.)
Here’s the frustrating part: Limerence loves uncertainty. If they were consistently into you, you’d either be in a relationship or move on. But when they’re hot and cold? Your brain treats them like a slot machine—maybe this time, I’ll hit the jackpot.
It also thrives when you don’t know them well (because fantasy is always better than reality), when you’ve got an anxious attachment style (hello, overthinkers), or when you’re avoiding real intimacy (because obsessing is safer than risking rejection).
The hard truth is that it's not about them!
Limerence happens when your brain tries to protect you and torture you at the same time. You get the high of "love" without the risk of real vulnerability. But here’s the catch: You’re not really into “them”—you’re into the idea of them.
So how do you break the spell?
1. Go Cold Turkey (Yes, Really)
Mute them. Stop "accidentally" running into them. Your brain needs a reset.
2. Reality-Check Your Fantasy
Write down their actual flaws (not the cute ones). List times they let you down.
3. Redirect the Obsession
Pour that energy into friends, hobbies, or even fictional crushes (at least they’ll never ghost you).
4. Ask Yourself: What’s This Really About?
Are you lonely? Bored? Avoiding something harder? Limerence is a distraction—find what it’s distracting you from.
The good news is this isn't forever.
Limerence fades—usually within months. But if you keep falling into these intense fixations, it’s worth asking: “Why do I keep choosing people who aren’t fully choosing me?”
Because here’s the truth: You don’t have to change yourself to be "good enough" for someone’s half-hearted attention. Real love shouldn’t feel like a guessing game.
So next time your brain tries to sell you on a fantasy, hit pause. The right person won’t leave you obsessing—they’ll show up.