Sep 10, 2025
We all know divorce changes a family. But what nobody warns you about is how it changes your friend group. That tight-knit circle that once felt so easy and familiar can suddenly feel like uncharted territory. As an LMHC, I’ve seen firsthand that with a little honesty and a lot of care, these friendships don’t just survive—they can actually become stronger.
First, let's acknowledge the awkward elephant in the room. Divorce is like a death—the death of an old life. The gatherings, the inside jokes, the annual traditions—they all feel different when one person is missing. It’s completely normal for friends to need a minute to adjust. They’re not just seeing a newly single person; they’re often meeting a new version of their friend, one who might be expressing sides of themselves they’d kept hidden. This can be surprising, but it’s also a chance for a beautiful rebirth. This period of change can deepen your bond in ways you never expected.
So, what happens to the friends you always saw as a pair? This is where things get tricky. The most important thing is to lead with loyalty to the person you have the strongest connection with, but to do it with class. Ghosting the other person is the fastest way to create drama and hurt feelings.
Instead, a little transparency goes a long way. Having an open, kind conversation can dissolve so much tension. Try saying something like, "I care about you both, and I want to be honest about how I’m managing this." It’s a simple statement that acknowledges the situation without choosing sides. Remember, you can love both people without having to referee their divorce.
But what happens when one person asks you to choose? I once had a friend—married twice—who could not understand how I remained friendly with her exes. She was sure I was sharing her secrets and ultimately demanded I cut them off. I believed then, as I do now, that it is awful for a divorced friend to force you to pick a side. We tried to talk it through, but the request felt like an ultimatum that went against my values. Sadly, that friendship had to end. It’s a painful reminder that while we should strive for compassion, sometimes the healthiest choice is to step away from a dynamic that requires you to abandon other friendships.
For friends whose lives are deeply entwined—especially through their kids—the shift can feel huge. The big, complicated family vacations might pause, and that’s okay. The key is to ask yourself one simple question: What do I want to keep? Then, have the courage to ask the other family the same thing.
Maybe your kid is inseparable from theirs. Focus on that! Keep the playdates, the birthday party invitations, and the Saturday soccer sideline chats. The activity might change, but the connection doesn’t have to. Flexibility is your best friend here.
And then comes the question everyone worries about: Is it a betrayal to bring a new partner around? The short answer is no, but it can sure feel awkward if it’s handled poorly. The golden rule? Never spring them on the group as a surprise.
The best move is a two-step process. First, talk to your new partner about the history and set expectations. Then, gently check in with your friends. A quick, "Hey, I’d love to bring [Name] to the BBQ—how does everyone feel about that?" makes all the difference. It shows you respect your friends’ feelings and gives them a chance to adjust, ensuring the first meeting is comfortable for everyone.
Through all of this, there is one piece of advice that stands above the rest, whether you’re the one going through the divorce or the friend watching from the sidelines: be proactive.
If you’re the friend, never, ever say, "Call me if you need anything.”
A person in the thick of it won’t have the energy to make that call. Instead, be specific. Take initiative. Send a text that says, "I’m grabbing coffee Tuesday morning—join me for 30 minutes?" or "I’m making lasagna tonight; I’m dropping a portion off for you." These specific acts cut through the noise and show you truly care.
For everyone in the friend group, try to drop the judgment. You don’t have to have all the answers or know every detail. Often, just showing up without an agenda is the greatest gift you can give.
Divorce reshapes a lot of things, but it doesn’t have to break your circle of friends. With a little effort, it can even make it stronger.