Jul 9, 2025
Dating can be exciting, nerve-wracking, and—let’s be honest—a little weird. Especially when you’re trying to figure out if someone you just met might become someone who really matters. As a licensed mental health counselor who works with singles of all ages and relationship histories, one question keeps coming up: How do I make a real connection on a first date?
The answer? Start with authenticity. But don’t stop there.
You need patience, self-awareness, and the ability to tell the difference between realistic hopes and unrealistic expectations. That might sound like a tall order, but it’s actually about showing up as the real you—just the version who brushed their teeth, put on a clean shirt, and is open to a meaningful experience.
I usually tell my clients: if the first date isn’t a disaster, give it two more. That means if you left the date thinking, “That was kind of fun,” or “I’m curious to know more,” that’s a green light. Ask yourself: Did I enjoy myself? Did the conversation feel balanced, even if there were awkward moments? Is there enough common ground here to explore?
But here’s the other side of that coin—if something feels deeply off, don’t talk yourself into staying just to be polite. A first date doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should leave you feeling more interested than confused or disappointed. If your gut is waving a red flag, trust it. Just make sure you’re not dismissing someone over something minor. (No one should be getting written off just because they laughed too loudly at a dad joke.)
What I often see in my office—especially from men—is frustration that the date didn’t feel mutual. “She didn’t even seem interested,” or “He was just looking at his phone.” Authentic connection requires effort from both sides. That doesn’t mean faking excitement, but it does mean showing up with energy and curiosity. Ask questions. Listen. Share. Make it a conversation, not a job interview.
And yes, put in a little effort on the outside, too. Looking nice isn’t about vanity—it’s a sign of respect for yourself and the person you’re meeting.
Now, let’s talk about attraction. Yes, it matters. That spark is what gets most of us through the door. But long-term compatibility? That’s what keeps us there. If you feel physical chemistry but your conversations feel forced or shallow, that’s worth paying attention to. Connection isn’t just about butterflies—it’s about emotional safety, shared values, and mutual respect.
One more thing I always remind my clients: Vulnerability should never feel forced. Especially on a first date. Share only what feels safe. And pay attention to how your date responds. Do they meet your openness with their own? Or do they brush it off, change the subject, or make you feel small? That tells you a lot more than their dating profile ever could.
At the end of the day, a first date isn’t a test you have to pass or a performance you need to ace. It’s a moment of possibility. The best connections are built on effort from both people—not perfection. You should leave a great first date feeling like you want to learn more, not like you just ran a marathon.
So stay curious. Stay grounded. And most importantly, stay yourself.